Kicking the underdog
Yeah, ok, so I lied to myself and to anyone reading this: of course I spent more time thinking about work. I didn't enjoy my day wfh and I ended up going into work at 3:30 to do some work that I couldn't do from home but probably could have waited until Tuesday. What is wrong with me? Back in the office this afternoon I also prostituted myself to work in other ways -- but it's not important that I list how. What's important is how it's making me feel. How can I possibly enjoy my job so much and want to be a good employee when I look at what's happening there right now? I know that people are about to be screwed. I know that some nasty shit is going down. And if I valued my morals as much as my precious job then I would get out now before I further compromise my soul. The really sad thing is that they've got me by the tail: I'm a dog that wants to keep pleasing a master that feeds me with one hand whilst kicking me in the ass every few weeks to let me know who's boss.
I'm not very pleased with myself today.
I think that it's time again to play everybody's favourite game: what do you want out of life? Just whip up a good old Dawson Leary soliloquy -- complete with carefully-selected, multiple-syllablic prose composed in iambic pentameter -- and let it rip. Or simply list the variables that add up to a Good Life. Here's mine:
What I Want Out of Life: (in no particular order)
Love, trust, and understanding
Regular run-ins with happiness
Health and the health of those around me
To always be able to write
To have enough money for food, shelter, clothing, giving, and the occasional trip to England
A job that brings me satisfaction, allows me to be creative, and lets me go home each night with a clear conscience.
And you know what? I have most of these already, and for that I am thankful. But this work stuff is really getting me down.
31 August 2001, 18:08
btw
By the way, I refuse to devote any more time to thinking about the situation at work. The next four days belong to me, baby.
30 August 2001, 22:08
...
I can't believe I cried at work again (it happened just after being called into the office with Trevor at 5:00 and thinking that at last our time had come). In recent memory, I've cried at work just twice before: once about Simon, and once about Dad. I can't believe that I wasted tears on something as trivial as work. How pathetic.
30 August 2001, 22:08
Pack up your troubles...
I've left this place (work) a thousand times -- in my head, that is. I've even physically left the company once and came back. And with the never-ending lay-off scares since I've been back here, I've even packed up my desk a few times in anticipation of that call into the office. Today I'm doing just that: packing up my desk. Funny, but there isn't a lot here. Aside from my beloved plants, I can pack my life at work into two canvas bags. Pack up your troubles in two canvas bags, and smile, smile, smile. There's just a few things here that I keep on my cube walls and shelves -- a few stuffed things, some books, hard copies of the articles I've written for work, an Ireland calendar, CDs, photos/cards, a bobbing-head turtle, and two funky glass icecubes. It all fits into two bags -- one for each hand as you're getting walked out.
I was really hoping that they would have done the sweep today. It certainly won't happen tomorrow -- not on a Friday before a long weekend. Half the staff will be WFH tomorrow. So I guess that we have to sweat it out over the long bloody weekend. even though I have a perfect view of the lake and the Island Airport, I think that I'll WFH tomorrow too. I'll certainly get more work done. The Air Show is this weekend, so I I'll look forward to watching the stunt planes and jets rip through the sky. It's supposed to be a gorgeous weekend.
Well, time to go home now. Take home my two canvas bags and try to forget about this place and how much I like it here.
30 August 2001, 17:08
Layoffs coming
Bad News #1
Layoffs are pending at work -- yes AGAIN. However, instead of it being the usual rumours and choked whispers of "re-org" by the water cooler, the possibility of layoffs is very very real. They've almost taken an ad out in the newspaper that it's going to happen within the next week. The worst part is listening to the boss's door open and close, sucking in and spitting out the higher-ups who arrive to discuss our futures. Actually, no, the worst part is worse than that: it's the waiting waiting waiting for the call into the office with the disheveled boss and the HR rep. And all of this happened just 6 months ago.
This is all such bullshit.
29 August 2001, 18:08
Dad, Sarah, and the fine federal government
Haven't been able to blog for a little while -- either Blogger doesn't like me lately or there's a reason why I shouldn't be blogging (due to poor temperament). I suspect the latter. So I shall focus on the good bits and leave the bad bits for blogging at another time.
Good News #1
Dad has finally received the straight goods on his upcoming treatment. On Tuesday he starts chemo -- lucky for him that it's a long weekend and therefore a short week. After the four days he has a month off, then has another week of chemo. Then he waits another month and begins radiation for 5 weeks. There's more chemo after that but by then we're into 2002 and that's just too far ahead for me to think about right now.
Good News #2
Sarah is doing really well. On the weekend we took her in for a checkup. 48 hours and $650 later she came home. She had to have five teeth extractions, poor thing! Now she is just sleeping a lot and trying her best to dodge her pills and codeine-rubbed-in-the-ear treatments. Bit by bit she's getting back to normal.
Good News #3
We finally got around to doing our taxes (5 months late, yes, I know) and instead of owing the federal government heaps of cash, we actually got a cheque from H&R Block. After being a prompt and dutiful taxpayer for years, I can really appreciate being rewarded for tardiness.
Herein ends the good news.
29 August 2001, 17:08
Slideshow
today is the day,
for dancing and for singing,
the birds in the trees and all the bells are ringing.
the sun in the sky
is bright as bright as second sight,
is bright oh god i hope i'm all right
'cause i'm gonna cry
Slideshow by Travis
It's a brilliant day outside. The sky is blue. The lake is blue. It's all so gorgeous and distracting. Who can work when the world is suddenly beautiful?
24 August 2001, 16:08
Drinking and dreaming of the UK
Had a great time at the Midtown last night. There are even pictures to prove it. Jim always brings his camera to our "events". Sometimes he captures the best moments, like when someone is dreaming about her next trip to England.
Well done, Jim.
23 August 2001, 16:08
Talk to me, Britons
I'm sitting here feeling really lazy. I haven't been to the gym since last week. Monday I went to the dentist after work. Last night there was a send-off party for a co-worker (congrats Dave!) in the snug at an Irish pub on the Esplanade, and tonight we're going to the Midtown on College for more bevvies with some co-workers and a co-worker's friend visiting from the U.K. We drank with her last night, too, and I loved listening to her talk. What is it about the way British people speak that catches my ear and won't let go? I could listen to an English accent for days. When walking along Harbourfront on the way to work, I listen for the accents of tourists and feel happier when it's British. I even like when they stop me and ask for directions.
I really hope that we can go to the UK in October, as planned. All rests on three things: Dad's health, whether or not we survive the impending layoffs, and cash. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all.
In the meantime, I have got to get my lazy ass back on a bike.
22 August 2001, 16:08
Medical rant
Another Saturday of Web stuff. I've really got to get outside every once in a while. I spent the day working on my step-mother-in-law's site. And just now I finished critiquing an excellent poem by my writer friend Kat -- who is just getting into the wonderful world of HTML. I've been at this Web thing for 5.5 years. Wow.
I'm hoping that tomorrow we will be able to have a visit with my parents. I've been anxious to see Dad in his more fit and happy state. He told me proudly that he's gained 5 pounds and every day he is walking farther. I'm glad that he is getting stronger -- he'll need it for the weeks ahead. I'm pissed off at the way the doctors keep messing him about, but he's happy, so I don't want to interfere. Nobody in the medical profession can seem to tell him when the chemo and radiation are going to start, which one is going to be first, or what tests he needs to have before either can begin. A few weeks ago he was trucked down to Hamilton for a totally useless appointment with a radiologist who contradicted the treatment plan of the oncologist. The surgeon provides slightly different detail than the oncologist. And the GP seems to be the last one to know everything.
I applaud Dad for being so calm and complacent about everything. I'm the opposite. I sometimes think that doctors forget too easily how confusing and overwhelming cancer (or other serious illnesses) can be for people and their families. Yes, our health system has been turned on its ass and their isn't much tme for treatment, let alone compassion. But being organized and communicating properly could probably save everyone a lot of time and frustration.
~end rant~
18 August 2001, 20:08
Publication alert
Some happy writing news... The Melic Review have decided to do a "best of" print issue, and have asked to publish two of my poems that have appeared in their online lit-mag over the past few years. Also, Mentress Moon has accepted four of my poems for their February 2002 issue. These little successes will hopefully spur me on to actually start writing some new poems.
17 August 2001, 14:08
Camp Corporate Crap
Yesterday my co-workers and I were trucked off 45 minutes north of Toronto for a work party. Well, it was supposed to be a party celebrating our company's accomplishments, but however they attempted to disguise it, it was one of those rah-rah-rah team-building adventure experiences. Blind-folding and hand-holding and all that. Our team already works really well together. Why they felt it necessary to chuck out loads of cash to hire professional team-builders instead of spending a little cash for a club, DJ, pool tables, and bevvies is beyond me. I want to say to the powers that be: hey, we're not broken down here. What's broken is our upper management. The constant threat of layoffs makes us cranky. Piling on the work when there's not enough people to get it done burns us out. Lording about and imposing a strict hierarchial reporting system makes us feel like we're at the bottom of the food chain. No, we often feel like they're trying to break us, but we're not broken at all.
17 August 2001, 14:08
Daydream
Ever since we started thinking of going back to England for ten days in October, I keep having these delicious dreams: being offered jobs in London, being invited to writer's retreats, wandering the countryside again.
15 August 2001, 08:08
Where's my Wort?
Although I don't really want to admit it to myself, I think that the anxiety attacks are back again.
14 August 2001, 12:08
Moving ahead
I'm worn out. I spent too much time at the computer this weekend -- but it was all for good: not only did I spiff up my website, I also I managed to make a decent number of poetry submissions to lit-mags. *fingers crossed*
Dad's doing much better. He's driving by himself, walking a little more each day, and has managed to find his appetite. Even beer tastes like beer again. He even did the grocery shopping yesterday. At least now he has a few weeks to himself before the start of chemo cocktails. And with him feeling better I don't feel like I need to be there all the time -- like I did when he was really ill in the hospital. The pressure's off for now.
12 August 2001, 17:08
Magic Words (after Nalungiaq)
Magic Words (after Nalungiaq)
(translated from the Inuit by Edward Field)
In the very earliest time,
when both people and animals lived on earth,
a person could become an animal if he wanted to
and an animal could become a human being.
Sometimes they were people
and sometimes animals
and there was no difference.
All spoke the same language.
That was the time when words were like magic.
The human mind had mysterious powers.
A word spoken by chance
might have strange consequences.
It would suddenly come alive
and what people wanted to happen could happen --
all you had to do was say it.
Nobody could explain this.
That's the way it was.
11 August 2001, 19:08
My green thumb
The past two nights I spent repotting plants. I love my plants. They bring me joy. They help me relax. Their greeness comforts me. So of course there is a small jungle at my desk at work -- my cube is surrounded by green. Leaf by leaf I am trying to cover up all the grey. I've still got a long way to go.
I'll eventually need to leave the house today to go and get some more President's Choice Magic Soil. The thought of venturing out into the blistering sunshine and sauna-like heat doesn't motivate me to move from this chair. I'll probably make it as far as the fridge to get another glass of soda water. And speaking of my favourite fizzy beverage, I had no idea that I was so uneducated in the ways of water. Read The Facts About Fizzy Water if you care at all about the difference between "sparkling" and "seltzer", "mineral" and "club".
11 August 2001, 13:08
Which way do you swing?
Politically, do you swing to the left or right? Or do you swing at all? Find out where your butt lands on the political spectrum at The Political Compass. (I'm more left than Ghandi) Thanks to TG for the link.
09 August 2001, 13:08
These commercials suck
Top three commercials on TV that I can't stand:
• Chapman's "Yum Yum Yum" ice cream
• Marineland (No, everyone does NOT love Marineland. Put the belugas back in the ocean where they belong, you bastards)
• that McDonald's ice cream cone that appears for the old lady in the hands of the little boy who went nowhere near a McDonalds in his travels
09 August 2001, 13:08
Beatnik envy
How cool it would be to be as eloquent and funky as this guy: neillee.com.
09 August 2001, 13:08
Apathetic
I should be working. I should be doing something constructive like learning more about the wonderful world of style sheets or delving in ASP. Hell, perhaps I should even be working. But I'm just back from lunch and I keep staring at my screen or staring out the window at the lake and the airport or staring at my fingers on the keyboard. Unmotivated. Wondering what I'm doing with my life. Why can't I write anymore? I am slowly absorbing the inertia and apathy around me -- letting it cushion me like amniotic fluid. Why don't I care anymore?
09 August 2001, 13:08
geek
More style sheets. GEEEEEEEEEEEK!
06 August 2001, 21:08
poetgeek
I'm wondering where the day has gone. I've been sitting in front of the computer since breakfast converting [places for writers] to use style sheets. And other than the index page it's working out marvelously. No more tables and font tags! Does it get any better than this?
I'm such a geek.
05 August 2001, 17:08