blog / barbara fletcher

411 on the 606

Last night was one of those nights that ended entirely opposite to what I had expected to happen. We went out for a drink with friends -- with the full intention of parting an hour later so that they could go to a mutual friends' goodbye party (I'm never very comfortable at house parties). After three ciders and lots of great conversation it became apparent that nobody was going to end up anywhere near a house party (let alone anything resembling a house), so we stumbled up the street for a bit of dinner. And then, for some silly reason, we decided to abandon our cozy College Street bower of semi-drunkeness and decided to meet up with some other friends at this tiny slightly pretentious, grossly uninteresting, overpriced King Street restaurant/bar.

I retract the word "silly". It seemed like a good idea at the time. But the 606 was a pulsing, overstuffed cave of sensory overload. A bit fun at first, but conversation was impossible. There was nothing remotely interesting to look at. And frankly, the inability to move almost triggered a panic attack. And even though I have been known to enjoy a night of serious grooving on a dancefloor, that scene just wasn't what I wanted. In fact, it was so not what I wanted that we left before midnight. The walk home left me thinking, am I just getting old? Should I just have gone home early (when I didn't feel self-conscious) and browsed the latest pairings in the Blog Twinning Project?

29 September 2001, 13:09

x O₂ + C_x(H₂O)_y

Wow, it's cold. And I mean sudden, out-of-the-(formerly)-blue-sky cold. On the weekend I was wearing shorts. A few days passed and suddenly there is a windchill. I had to find a coat to wear yesterday. I needed mittens. I wanted hot chocolate.

Now have it be known that I am a card-carrying Autumn-lover. However, what I love most about the Autumn is how it slowly decends upon the world -- first with warm days and crisp evenings, then cooler days, and then finally a glorious chill that clings to your breath on the way to work, and coats golden and red leaves with delicate frost. I love stark blue Autumn skies and the smell of dampness everywhere. I even love when it rains. But the sudden smack of cold rain against my face on an frostbitten morning when I've had no chance to acclimatize -- that isn't my idea of Autumn. It makes me feel cheated.

I wonder what the weather will be like in England next week. We leave on October 5 and will be gone for 9 glorious days. I don't care if it's cool or if it rains. I just want to be away from work and other worries, with my feet on the ground in my favourite country. I'm sure that Autumn will be lovely there.

27 September 2001, 09:09

Soggy sarnies

I ate my lunch by the lake in the rain today. And I loved it.
This afternoon, Trevor booked our flight to England. I walked home from work, and loved the rain even more.

24 September 2001, 23:09

Celebration

Yesterday was a beautiful day -- a day of friends and family, ceremony and celebration, food and feasting, and music and words.

23 September 2001, 08:09

Merriment and Merry meet

"We are born at a given moment, in a given place, and like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season in which we are born."
- Carl Jung

Do you wish somebody a Happy Autumnal Equinox? Well, at least I would like to say "Merry meet and merry part, and merry meet again!". To some this time of year is a celebration of self and ourselves with others: a time of reflection and relaxation -- especially since the nights are longer and winter hangs in the distance.

Today is the third day of Brian and Barbara's wedding celebration. How beautiful that they have chosen to be married on the first day of Autumn -- a time of harvest and storytelling, feasting and thanksgiving. I wish them all the happiness and joy in the world. Bring on the cakes and ale!

22 September 2001, 08:09

An explosive question

Just wondering... do people spontaneously combust anymore? Or was it just an 80s trend? I vividly recall the That's Incredible episode about people suddenly bursting into smoke and flames on buses, in their homes, on the street. And for a few months of my adolescent life, I actually worried that at any moment I would start to smoke, burning from the inside out, and then combust before everyone's eyes.

21 September 2001, 12:09

Hair apparent

Yesterday. Something that I don't understand about myself: I spent an unmentionable amount of cash on new hair (a colour experiment and slightly funkified haircut at Civello) and didn't think twice about it; however I was positively salivating at the sweet bargain of a new black wool dress that I picked up from the sidewalk sale rack outside a pretentious Queen Street shop.

20 September 2001, 10:09

Up in the air

So much is happening these days. Lots of activity. Mom and Dad flew to St. John's yesterday. Trevor's sister is flying to Toronto and his Mom is coming up from Buffalo -- both to stay with us in our little apartment for the three days of Trevor's brother's wedding festivities this weekend. There is shopping to be done, food to prepare, rooms to clean -- I've taken off Thursday and Friday just to get ready for it all.

But it's good to have an event to look forward to. It's good to feel that life is moving on -- despite the efforts of the media to make everyone relive September 11th over and over. If only the repeated images served to help people understand what has happened and what really needs to be done, instead of inciting more violence and hatred. I'm disgusted at the discrimination and acts of ignorance that are being committed against innocent people in Canada and the U.S. And I'm saddened and fearful that thousands more in this world are going to die as our leaders continue to blindly wage war from some ancient teeter-totter of "an eye for an eye" justice.

18 September 2001, 23:09

My sympathies, Casey and Finnegan

And, then, when it seems as though things are feeling a little bit normal again, you lose a little piece of your childhood. Rest in peace, Mr. Dressup.

18 September 2001, 19:09

Deckdrinking

Yesterday was a really great day. We met up with friends for brunch, had some good conversations, took a little walk home through the city, and went back to Jim's place for some drinks in the evening. Jim lives on the second floor of a house and out the back he has this wonderful deck that looks down into the lush green gardens of his neighbours. It's perfect for four friends to sit and share drinks and laughter. Last night we were enjoying some Barn Owl Cider (which, btw, pales in comparison to Scrumpy Jack and Strongbow but is still quite a few notches above the sickeningly sweet ciders coming out of BC) and eavesdropped on a party being held in the backyard of his new neighbours downstairs. Glancing down on those candlelit academic faces discussing godknowswhat with serious, intellectual faces made me a little wistful for university life again. But then again, I do think that I romanticize it a little too much.

16 September 2001, 10:09

Mike's got a point

I just read an interesting letter that filmmaker and author Michael Moore posted to his site yesterday.

15 September 2001, 16:09

Perspective

It's been a really long week. Hours and hours spent in rage, helplessness, despair, deep introspection -- and not just because of the tragic events in the U.S. So much has happened. My personal life has changed, and now it feels like the world has changed. Something strange happened to me today. I felt something lift from my chest, and my lungs expanded with air. And it hit me that my lungs were filling with air -- unlike the lungs of so many thousands of people who right now are buried beneath tonnes of rubble or lie in a hospital bed with pain or disease. I have my life and the lives of my family and friends -- and that is infinitely more important than a bad day at work.

14 September 2001, 20:09

September 11

I haven't been blogging these past few days because I just can't decide what I want to say. The attacks on the U.S. yesterday were horrifying. As soon as I learned of the first plane crash, I raced to the TV in our work lobby. And I was completely overwhelmed; the ripples of shock just kept coming as each new attack as announced. The World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon, the buildings near the Pentagon, the Pennsylvania flight that never reached Camp David. I left work to come home, unable to concentrate on anything but the people in those buildings and on those planes. I found out later that everyone was sent home from work and told that they didn't have to come back until Thursday.

At home I was shocked to hear that Toronto evacuated the Financial District downtown and shut down the subway system. A friend of mine called me and told me to get out of the city. Surreal is the only word I can use to describe it.

This morning, after leaving work -- with each floor guarded by security -- to attempt to donate blood, I found fewer people crowding the streets around Union Station, and there were police on foot patrol. Everyone seemed to be carrying that feeling of desperate helplessness in their hearts.

Quiet, horrified, undescribable helplessness. Overwhelming empathy for those who have lost so much. Shell-shocked into realizing what matters most in life: life.

Neil, my heart is with you. And Barbara, my heart is with you, too. You'll be home with us soon.

12 September 2001, 13:09

Is that a good thing?

I wrote a poem this morning. Never mind that it's violent, self-absorbed crap. At least it's a poem. At least there's hope. I haven't been able to write in so long. Thank god I finally have something to say.

09 September 2001, 08:09

Veggie Food Fair = fair

After an afternoon of playing with yarn and getting our fill of free digital cable (especially BBC Canada, National Geographic, Animal Planet, Gameshows and all those great Discovery channels), Trevor and I headed over to the Vegetarian Food Fair. As we expected, it was a bit of yawnfest. Like previous years, the booths are mostly focused on meditation, vitamins, herbal remedies, and yoga/shiatzu. Not to knock any of these approaches to personal health and well-being -- I would just rather see that kind of stuff at a Personal Health and Well-Being Festival. This fair is for the veggies! There are many vegetarians (myself included) who refuse to eat meat not for health reasons (although it's an excellent benefit), but because they do not believe that animals should be killed for food. Being a vegetarian does not equate being health-conscious. That said, enough with the seaweed surprise. Somebody please get KFC to create a seitan or tofu "chicken" burger, complete with crispy batter and lots of mayo.

08 September 2001, 20:09

H I P N O T I K A

I just found the most beautifully-constructed Flash site: H I P N O T I K A is the gorgeous account of a Montreal phototgrapher/writer's journey in Africa. The music is amazing, the writing is engaging, and the photography is spectacular. Watch the entire thing. It's incredible.

08 September 2001, 12:09

Sun -- something that doesn't suck

This morning the sky is beautiful. The sun is a weak orange ball encircled by halo of gauzy yellow. The world outside is wrapped in a gentle, barely-noticeable fog -- a slight haze that makes it seem as though the day has chosen to sleep in a little this morning. Hmmm, that was what my plan was to do this morning.

It's been a rough couple of days -- more for me than for Trevor. I spoke with a very kind and wonderful woman at work on Thursday, and she helped me to realize that there is a lot more going on with me than being upset about the layoffs. And believe it or not, that helps.

Trevor is doing really well. I'm so proud of him. I notice a quiet peacefulness about him that helps to balance me out a bit. He went to an interview yesterday -- that, as it turns out, wasn't about what he was told at the layoff -- and has a few other leads. But I just wish that he had some time to himself for a few weeks to focus on where he might want to go from here.

Regardless of where things stand in a few weeks, I want us to still plan to go to England in October. I really need something to look forward to. And I seriously need a vacation. St. John's Wort is good for the anxiety, but a vacation will be good for the soul.

08 September 2001, 07:09

This sucks

Wowee, do things ever suck at work today. As one of my co-workers put it, it feels as though the rest of us are survivors of a plane crash. It feels like people have died. All of my cube-neighbours are gone. I'm like that guy who after a horrific plane crash found himself still strapped into his chair in the middle of a corn field with no one else in sight.

06 September 2001, 11:09

Hell aftermath

Just realized that I didn't post an update regarding the fallout of yesterday's bomb: yes, Trevor and some other colleagues were laid off yesterday afternoon. One by one. They took away Leslie (my cube-neighbour) and Trevor around the same time. Leslie came back first -- and watching her gather up her stuff, trying to hold back the tears was a bloody nightmare. It was absolutely horrible. And after they walked her out, I just sat at my desk and cried. For her. For Trevor (because I just knew that he was getting the shaft, too). For the others. And for those of us left behind. I even cried for myself because I wonder how I can put my heart and soul into a company that lacks something as basic as humanity. How can I go into work today and even begin to care?

06 September 2001, 07:09

Absolute hell

Black Wednesday. Just like last time. Watching your co-workers excorted to their desks. Trying not to watch them scramble to stuff possessions into boxes and then get walked out of the office. This is tortuous. Horrible. Inhumane. And Trevor hasn't been invited into "the room" yet. I don't know how much of this I can take.

05 September 2001, 13:09

Thinking about past jobs while trying to forget about hell

With all of this nasty work crap going on, it caused me to sit back and think about the jobs I've held during my lifetime. With the exception of a three-month period during my 15th year, I have been employed in one way or another since the age of 13. That's staggering. Or insane. Take your pick.

The Jobs I've Done
Fergus Market vegetable stand (13-14)
Fergus Market The Back Porch fast food counter (14-15)
Henneburg's Farms (picking strawberries) (15)
Kentucky Fried Chicken (16-18)
Noranda Metals (office help) (17-18)
Canada Trust (various cities) (18-29)
Web Producer (29-32)

05 September 2001, 11:09

Limbo hell

Well, looks like I get to keep my job. I wish that I could feel better, allow myself to be relieved. But I can't. All I can do now is worry about Trevor. He doesn't know when he's going in the "the room". I wish that he could switch places with me right now. As much as I love my job, I think that it would be easier on me to look for another job -- if only because I have a little more experience in this field, as well as in corporate-land. I've also been on lots of interviews (for various jobs in the industry that had mild appeal), trying to keep myself aware of the job market in the event of layoffs. I just want it to be easier on him. He's already been through the unemployment ringer and found it very difficult. I don't want that for him again.

I wish that I could be happy, but I just can't bring myself to feel that way right now.

05 September 2001, 10:09

More hell

Just got the call. My meeting with the boss is in 5 minutes.
I'm so nervous I'm going to throw up.

05 September 2001, 09:09

Hell

I can't sleep anymore -- not that there was much time left before the alarm. But there's always something a little bit sad when your brain is finished with sleep and your body is not.

Sarah came in at her usual early hour this morning, and instead of drifting back to sleep, thoughts of what could happen today started to poke into my semi-conscious -- poke poke poke -- until it was impossible to sleep. Once my brain is awake there's no turning back.

I feel sick (and it's not from the cider). I have that overprotective feeling like I'm about to lose something important. I feel driven to go into avoidance mode -- not even going into work so they can't take my job away. You know, a few days ago I filled in one of those questionaire things that get sent around the web. And it asked me to rate how much I love my job. I gave it a nine. A nine! No wonder I can't sleep. No wonder I'm nauseous and nervous and reaching for even more St. John's Wort. I really like what I do. I put my heart and soul into my work -- sometimes too much of both. No wonder I feel like I do.

Anyway, the sky is a lovely blend of #fffcc and #efefef and I've just got to get up out of this chair, make some coffee, and think about the rest of the things I really like about my life.

05 September 2001, 07:09

#1 Anticipating hell. #2 Dad's first chemo

Looks like tomorrow is the "big day". We got an email just before day's end indicating that we should be prepared at any time tomorrow to be called to a meeting with our boss' boss' boss in the meeting room conveniently located closest to the door out. Oh what fun. How enthusiastic could they expect us to be tomorrow as we wait like scared cows about to be herded onto the truck to the slaughterhouse. There is no other way to define this than cruel.

Anway, we did manage to have a nice night with Jimmy drinking cider and eating "super soy" burgers at the Epicure Caf�. Afterwards we travelled up Queen Street in search of more atmosphere and learned that, sadly, it seems that that Munster Pub has shut. This city is slowly going to hell. I swear.

The best news of all is that Dad's first chemo treatment this morning went really well. He was able to drive down, have the injection, and drive back with no problems. Three more days and he's done for a month. I'm happy to know that it went well. It brings me a bit of comfort in this crappy time. It also brings things into perspective: so what if my life at work sucks right now -- there are things that are more important. Much more important.

04 September 2001, 21:09

Tourists

Today we felt like tourists in our own backyard.

We just got back in from going to the Ex. It was like stepping back in time. Seeing the "Polar Bear Express" got me all misty. Walking through the rows of Skee Ball, squirt gun races, and Pound-the-Mole made it seem like it was the 80s all over again. Even the prizes haven't changed. Amd the booths in various buildings sell the same "wonder frypans" and "cheese mills" as they did 20 years ago.

But it was a lot of fun, and what makes it especially great is that it's just a 20-minute walk home -- instead of a two-hour drive and a parking nightmare like it used to be. Trevor and I shared some scary deep-fried veggie meal (comprised of greasy onion rings, veggie sticks, mushrooms, and Curly-Q fries) and walked through all the buildings being catty and marveling at how everything is exactly the same.

Before that we walked over to the cement pier across from the Island Airport and watched the Canadian International Air Show. It was amazing. Strange to see Monarch butterflies, seagulls, and fighter jets sharing the same space.

Anyway, we're sunburned and greasy and tired and happy. And it's all good right now.

02 September 2001, 20:09

Top Nine Ways to Forget About Being Laid Off

Top Nine Ways to Forget About Being Laid Off:
1. get a digital cable box
2. go across the street for a great view of the air show
3. attempt to fix aforementioned personal project
4. decide not to colour hair "Madagascar Moonlight"
5. write back to an old friend who just took the time to email after many years
6. think about another old friend who has just moved to Peterborough
7. eat Amato's pizza (with black/green olives, mushrooms, pineapple, and lots of hot pepper sauce)
8. worry about constipated cat
9. listen to Ultra Trance Volume One and dance around the living room with wonderful husband

02 September 2001, 12:09

Where's Wendy?

This past week I've been worried about Trevor's sister, Wendy. She and her family have been planning a move from southern Ontario to Kelowna, BC for a few years now. They've just bought a beautiful house and are looking forward to a new life in the west. Last Friday Wendy supervised the movers packing up the moving van with house's contents, and then got on a plane to meet her husband who is already out there. The family was going to have a little vacation whilst waiting for the movers arriving sometime around now.

What concerns me is that nobody has heard from them: no phone calls to say that everyone regrouped safely, no emails to say how wonderful everything has turned out. I know that it has only been a week that they have been out there -- and that they are on vacation -- but I have this unexplained creepy feeling. It's like they've disappeared, sucked into some Twilight Zone episode or something (no offense meant to any Canadian westerners). It just feels strange. Hopefully they are just too overwhelmed with taking in the beautiful scenery and job hunting and exhaustion that they haven't had time to contact those of us left behind.

I feel terrible for not calling last week to wish them well, too wrapped up in my own worries. How selfish. Wendy, if you're out there, send me an email.